Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You Might Also Like
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.