What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity