I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
You Might Also Like
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
our love story in four pictures
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.