Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I put the p in pants.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.