How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
*mops up wine with cat*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.