Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?