My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.