“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car