*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.