According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
You Might Also Like
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
pizza
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard