‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*orders delivery*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.