Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
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(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If looks could kill
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: