A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
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explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.