We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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Sticker placement is key.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?