10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
You Might Also Like
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I cannot stop laughing at this