This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
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Me irl
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0