I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Sounds like a bargain
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
So that’s what we looked like?