There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
the prophecy has been fulfilled
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose