Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.