She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”