[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
🤣🤣💀