me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
tis the season