So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
*eats only grass-fed donuts
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?