I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
6. me as a lawyer
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
True statement👍😏😁
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.