Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
This checks out
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.