A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success