Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.