“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.