*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”