SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”