I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.