Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.