The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds