Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
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Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?