{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed