I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think