All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Teach your children to beatbox
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries