People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
That’s it.I’m out.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
🙀🙀🙀😹
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Yup!
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name