me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
How it started How it’s going
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
💁🏻♂️
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.