Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
You Might Also Like
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I love you to the refrigerator and back
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision