According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When your parents check you’re ok.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
me linking you to my twitter
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)