INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Perfect.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.