cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Leonardo DiCaprisun
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
the short answer to this question
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆