“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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Note to self: I am a note
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.