her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh