My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no