My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
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can’t bark with your mouth full
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard