Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume