My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
You Might Also Like
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls