I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
scrabbled eggs
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.